Thursday, June 26, 2014

halved

in these small hours of the night
I ache for the cage of your arms,
the vibrations of your chest
as you clear your throat,
the rough edges of your fingertips
planted along my spine.

instead, I curl deep into myself now,
my thoughts and breath
whispering back and forth to each other
as I trace my own bones
and try to remember.

when you are gone, my love,
I have nothing left of you
but the half of our body
that I inhabit.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

hollywood, 5-5-14

we came here so she could learn
her words and how to speak them,
and so I could feel the air touch my skin.
she succeeds, I falter.
she stands with two friends, laughing,
kissing.
my hands tremble. I want to kiss someone. I want,
someone-
even the wind declines- it blusters around my face
and leaves me untouched.

my pen is useless in my hand
when I see him.
there, on the other side of the park,
a man stands under a tree,
kicking, kicking, kicking
a soccer ball up in the air,
alternating feet.

the breeze ceases its chill,
the insects in the grass
pause their scramble.
we watch,
the ants, the wind, the world and I,
we all come to a halt
transfixed to see how long
the ball can stay apart from
this magnetic soil.

for an instant there is no noise,
no fear,
no question of what is to come.
all that matters
is this man
and his ball,
ambivalent between earth and sky,
choosing air for now.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

the good parts

* putting together big packages for friends in college

* the one-man performance of The Oddysey I went to last night at Southwest Shakespeare

* Tegan and Sara

* time with my boyfriend's mum/little sister/puppies, feeling helpful and productive 

* friends who lend you funny books to read when you are sick 

* hugs 

* another camping trip this weekend

* knowing my lovely boy is happy

* English breakfast tea

* madras lentils

* so many new babies

 * the love of a cat, specifically a bug-eyed, fluffy cat

* just a few weeks and autumn will be here and this summer will have passed

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Loves

I love that when I lie in his bed there are plush animals for my feet to play with

I love that his cheeks have scars for my fingertips to stroke

I love that he begins to be sad with me

I love his dog

I love that from the beginning he called me by my name

I love his crooked goofy smile and the way it welcomes me

I love that he hurts in the same places I do

I love the privacy which he hides behind and I invade

I love his rainy, cocoa smell

I love the capital L he insists upon

I love the little boy I uncover more and more rarely

I love his passion for properly chopped vegetables

I love his yearning for superpowers

I love the warmth his very being exudes 

I love the kisses

I love that on these nights we cry together.  

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

August.


I began school last week. I am tired. Little amounts of sleep, waking up early , driving two and three round trips to the college each day, this heat, physical pain from attempting yoga twice a week... Added up, I come home every day worn out from being around people, from having to look put together and interact socially and pleasantly. I suppose this is the "real world" everyone thinks I've been sheltered from, and there are days I wonder if they're right. 

It's good, though. Two of my classes are less than thrilling, but I love, love, love my creative writing class- the assignments, the class discussions, my fantastic feminist professor and his suggestions, many of the people in my class, the diversity in age range especially. Yoga will be a good thing, I think. And I find myself appreciating little things so much. Just one kind word from another student or thoughtful comment about something I've said/written, or a conversation that makes me laugh early in the morning when I start wishing I wasn't awake. I am busy, but I feel okay. Really okay. 


I miss my boy. It's only been a week, but I want to drive up to the Volcanic Town Of Eternal Stoner Christmastime (Flagstaff, AZ) and fetch him back here to me. But this is necessary for the both of us and I confess it makes me glad to see him living in a place where he is glad. 
So until October, I am here, waiting and doing my hardest work to enjoy what is hopefully my last summer spent in this city. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

whale-song

at night a whale-song stirs through me,
a quiet keening loss.
the tune loses its rawness
and moves into a deeper place,
where it becomes a part of every
word spoken, smile creaked.
as we sit, we let the ache
melt over our skin.

you're born knowing to breathe and cry.
then you grow up.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

19 days before

The sky has not lightened since
early this morning, dark clouds
a protecting screen around my window.
Through the glass, I can smell the rain
and the dust that blows in every storm
from across the reservation behind my neighborhood.

I tug on musty smelling clothes,
humidity clinging to my skin,
and slide my car out the garage,
let it glide down the rainy streets and
leave a light mist behind.

The grocery store is cold and dry
on the inside. Two cans of tomato soup,
walk to the aisle in the back, a wall of
shining cans and a line of
elderly people, then to dairy
to find a package of cheese- or
something like it.

I find the line of my favorite cashier,
even though I'm caught behind two men
probably early in their eleven-hundreds.
He winks at me as we wait for them
to clear the line, finish slowly slipping
each receipt into its proper place in
their wallets.

I take a moment to examine
the tattoos that run down his arms,
even though I know I'm never able to figure out
exactly what the words say. He's odd to
look at, shorter than I am but wiry,
with sharp brown eyes and spiky black hair.
He calls me 'dear' as if he's my grandfather,
asks me if I'm making some odd kind of cheesey soup,
and I smile and say, something like that.

I take the long way home, through the nook of
little farmhouses that hide between my suburbs
and the long expanse of fields and mountains behind them.

Trees line the streets here, shading
a cattle farm on one side and a tiny
collection of goat farms on the other.
The baby calves soak in the rain, running to
the fence to watch me drive past.
The sky is rich with a lavender tint
and the fields glow bright green against the greyness
of the morning.