on learning the fine art of keeping my mouth shut

This evening, after a very busy, very good day, I was relaxing and (as is my ritual) slowly drinking a glass of water. I was browsing the internet, and at first, my tranquility was a little irritated. There were a lot of things that I wanted to say, arguments I wanted to get involved in, smartasses who were just begging to be put in their place.

But then I noticed all the lovely posts, little comments, kindnesses shared by other friends, and something happened- for once, I kept my mouth shut, and just enjoyed knowing there are some reasonable people out there. It was tempting to whip out one of the approximate eighteen million Responses to Idiots I keep in my head at any given moment, but I resisted.

I've made a lot of goals this year. There are a lot of things I'm working on and a lot of things I feel like I should be better at. But tonight I just thought back on the things I have grown better at. And one of those is "keeping my mouth shut."

I know a lot of people would probably laugh at this, since "outspoken" is one of the kinder terms I hear used to describe me on a regular basis. But in the past few months especially, I have made an effort to be realistic. More and more I believe that people are rarely convinced by arguments. I, for one, really love a passionate debate, but not everyone is so inclined. Maybe even I'm not as easily swayed by a convincing argument as I like to think. If I consider some of my firmest beliefs right now, none of them were really sudden revelations. They were ideas I slowly came around to myself, prompted or encouraged by other people, maybe, but ultimately I only had a change of heart when I looked at my life and what I saw around me and gradually adapted my original theories about the world to match.

I used to make myself actually sick, I'd get so invested in an argument. That's still something I have a problem with. I feel like people are WRONG, that they're doing themselves and the entire planet a disservice by being so ridiculously screwed up, that if I stay quiet I should be ashamed of myself for not trying to "fix" them, that if I DO speak up and fail to convince them, then I am a failure and probably don't even have a strong enough faith in the values I pretend to believe in anyway and maybe I'm a poser and-

(At the risk of upsetting some people, I honestly feel like many of these feelings are due to the kind of Christianity I have frequently found myself surrounded by, a very guilt-driven religion I struggled with a lot and ultimately can't say I believe in. I've always been deeply bothered by evangelism taken to a level that can only be described as vicious.)

The thing that helps me the most is to remember- I believe that certain values, certain ideas, certain courses of action, are good and true and right. There aren't many things I absolutely believe in, but there are some things that I truly think are good and commonsense, and that while it may take time, in the end if they are right people will come around to them. People have pretty impressive brains and they do tend to accidentally use them from time to time. The truth will be revealed, the universe enjoys its elegance being observed and rewards intelligence, blah blah blah. You know. There are lots of times that I do think it's good to say the things that need to be said, but mostly I guess you have to live the life that needs to be lived and call it good and hope for the best.

And I do, ultimately. I may be a short term pessimist, but in the long run, I really do hope for the best.


(Now watch me go get sucked into a stupid pointless argument within the next week.)