Saturday, September 21, 2013

the good parts

* putting together big packages for friends in college

* the one-man performance of The Oddysey I went to last night at Southwest Shakespeare

* Tegan and Sara

* time with my boyfriend's mum/little sister/puppies, feeling helpful and productive 

* friends who lend you funny books to read when you are sick 

* hugs 

* another camping trip this weekend

* knowing my lovely boy is happy

* English breakfast tea

* madras lentils

* so many new babies

 * the love of a cat, specifically a bug-eyed, fluffy cat

* just a few weeks and autumn will be here and this summer will have passed

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Loves

I love that when I lie in his bed there are plush animals for my feet to play with

I love that his cheeks have scars for my fingertips to stroke

I love that he begins to be sad with me

I love his dog

I love that from the beginning he called me by my name

I love his crooked goofy smile and the way it welcomes me

I love that he hurts in the same places I do

I love the privacy which he hides behind and I invade

I love his rainy, cocoa smell

I love the capital L he insists upon

I love the little boy I uncover more and more rarely

I love his passion for properly chopped vegetables

I love his yearning for superpowers

I love the warmth his very being exudes 

I love the kisses

I love that on these nights we cry together.  

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

August.


I began school last week. I am tired. Little amounts of sleep, waking up early , driving two and three round trips to the college each day, this heat, physical pain from attempting yoga twice a week... Added up, I come home every day worn out from being around people, from having to look put together and interact socially and pleasantly. I suppose this is the "real world" everyone thinks I've been sheltered from, and there are days I wonder if they're right. 

It's good, though. Two of my classes are less than thrilling, but I love, love, love my creative writing class- the assignments, the class discussions, my fantastic feminist professor and his suggestions, many of the people in my class, the diversity in age range especially. Yoga will be a good thing, I think. And I find myself appreciating little things so much. Just one kind word from another student or thoughtful comment about something I've said/written, or a conversation that makes me laugh early in the morning when I start wishing I wasn't awake. I am busy, but I feel okay. Really okay. 


I miss my boy. It's only been a week, but I want to drive up to the Volcanic Town Of Eternal Stoner Christmastime (Flagstaff, AZ) and fetch him back here to me. But this is necessary for the both of us and I confess it makes me glad to see him living in a place where he is glad. 
So until October, I am here, waiting and doing my hardest work to enjoy what is hopefully my last summer spent in this city. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

whale-song

at night a whale-song stirs through me,
a quiet keening loss.
the tune loses its rawness
and moves into a deeper place,
where it becomes a part of every
word spoken, smile creaked.
as we sit, we let the ache
melt over our skin.

you're born knowing to breathe and cry.
then you grow up.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

19 days before

The sky has not lightened since
early this morning, dark clouds
a protecting screen around my window.
Through the glass, I can smell the rain
and the dust that blows in every storm
from across the reservation behind my neighborhood.

I tug on musty smelling clothes,
humidity clinging to my skin,
and slide my car out the garage,
let it glide down the rainy streets and
leave a light mist behind.

The grocery store is cold and dry
on the inside. Two cans of tomato soup,
walk to the aisle in the back, a wall of
shining cans and a line of
elderly people, then to dairy
to find a package of cheese- or
something like it.

I find the line of my favorite cashier,
even though I'm caught behind two men
probably early in their eleven-hundreds.
He winks at me as we wait for them
to clear the line, finish slowly slipping
each receipt into its proper place in
their wallets.

I take a moment to examine
the tattoos that run down his arms,
even though I know I'm never able to figure out
exactly what the words say. He's odd to
look at, shorter than I am but wiry,
with sharp brown eyes and spiky black hair.
He calls me 'dear' as if he's my grandfather,
asks me if I'm making some odd kind of cheesey soup,
and I smile and say, something like that.

I take the long way home, through the nook of
little farmhouses that hide between my suburbs
and the long expanse of fields and mountains behind them.

Trees line the streets here, shading
a cattle farm on one side and a tiny
collection of goat farms on the other.
The baby calves soak in the rain, running to
the fence to watch me drive past.
The sky is rich with a lavender tint
and the fields glow bright green against the greyness
of the morning.


Saturday, August 3, 2013

valentines day for the rest of love.

Some days are just good days.

I woke up a little on the late side, feeling actually rested, did some (very) light yard work in the shady grass outside, and then went to lunch with my family and grandparents. Polka dotted dresses make everything feel a bit more awesome. Over the afternoon I cleaned a little, my favorite slow, lazy kind of cleaning- almost therapeutic for me- and snuggled a lot of cats in the process. After dinner we went to my aunt's house to play games, which is not something I tend to enjoy, but we all ended up laughing until we cried... and there was cheesecake and family wrestling matches.

I'm nervous as hell for school to start, for my eighteenth birthday, for most of my friends leaving, for.... August and everything after. But I want to start out with a clean slate. I think maybe I've been trying for that for a while, but going about it the wrong way, and I'd like to mend as many of those mistakes as possible. To whatever extent they CAN be mended. There's no excuse not to try, at least.

I'm writing more, for myself. I've lost the urge to share the majority of it, but having a notebook of small things for myself is nice.

The sweeter things: Kaylee Frye dresses. Cheesecake. Bell peppers. The feeling of cleanliness. Labrador retrievers. Micah, the tiny little boy I watch sometimes, and his big brown eyes. Owl necklaces. Helping to heal wounds (literally). Giving in to my addiction to TV shows set in prisons. Doctor Who marathons with my sister.

And Esther Day. If you bother to read this, odds are.... I love you.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

on learning the fine art of keeping my mouth shut

This evening, after a very busy, very good day, I was relaxing and (as is my ritual) slowly drinking a glass of water. I was browsing the internet, and at first, my tranquility was a little irritated. There were a lot of things that I wanted to say, arguments I wanted to get involved in, smartasses who were just begging to be put in their place.

But then I noticed all the lovely posts, little comments, kindnesses shared by other friends, and something happened- for once, I kept my mouth shut, and just enjoyed knowing there are some reasonable people out there. It was tempting to whip out one of the approximate eighteen million Responses to Idiots I keep in my head at any given moment, but I resisted.

I've made a lot of goals this year. There are a lot of things I'm working on and a lot of things I feel like I should be better at. But tonight I just thought back on the things I have grown better at. And one of those is "keeping my mouth shut."

I know a lot of people would probably laugh at this, since "outspoken" is one of the kinder terms I hear used to describe me on a regular basis. But in the past few months especially, I have made an effort to be realistic. More and more I believe that people are rarely convinced by arguments. I, for one, really love a passionate debate, but not everyone is so inclined. Maybe even I'm not as easily swayed by a convincing argument as I like to think. If I consider some of my firmest beliefs right now, none of them were really sudden revelations. They were ideas I slowly came around to myself, prompted or encouraged by other people, maybe, but ultimately I only had a change of heart when I looked at my life and what I saw around me and gradually adapted my original theories about the world to match.

I used to make myself actually sick, I'd get so invested in an argument. That's still something I have a problem with. I feel like people are WRONG, that they're doing themselves and the entire planet a disservice by being so ridiculously screwed up, that if I stay quiet I should be ashamed of myself for not trying to "fix" them, that if I DO speak up and fail to convince them, then I am a failure and probably don't even have a strong enough faith in the values I pretend to believe in anyway and maybe I'm a poser and-

(At the risk of upsetting some people, I honestly feel like many of these feelings are due to the kind of Christianity I have frequently found myself surrounded by, a very guilt-driven religion I struggled with a lot and ultimately can't say I believe in. I've always been deeply bothered by evangelism taken to a level that can only be described as vicious.)

The thing that helps me the most is to remember- I believe that certain values, certain ideas, certain courses of action, are good and true and right. There aren't many things I absolutely believe in, but there are some things that I truly think are good and commonsense, and that while it may take time, in the end if they are right people will come around to them. People have pretty impressive brains and they do tend to accidentally use them from time to time. The truth will be revealed, the universe enjoys its elegance being observed and rewards intelligence, blah blah blah. You know. There are lots of times that I do think it's good to say the things that need to be said, but mostly I guess you have to live the life that needs to be lived and call it good and hope for the best.

And I do, ultimately. I may be a short term pessimist, but in the long run, I really do hope for the best.


(Now watch me go get sucked into a stupid pointless argument within the next week.)

Monday, July 22, 2013

on my mind this night

Suppose we came back as ghosts asking the unasked questions.

 (What were you there for? Why did you walk out? What
 would have made you stay? Why wouldn't you listen?)

-Couldn't you show us what you meant, can't we get it right
this time? Can't you put it another way?-

(You were looking for openings where they'd been walled up-)

-But you were supposed to be our teacher-

(One-armed, I was trying to get you, one by one, out of that
cellar.   It wasn't enough)

~ from Telephone Ringing In The Labyrinth, by Adrienne Rich
I can't get enough of this rain. If it were up to me, there would be grey sky and thunder and the song of pouring rain against my window every single day. Instead of 120 degree scorching heat, it's wet and in the mid 80s and the first true monsoon season I've seen in several years. If Arizona were like this all the time, I'd consider staying.

I wonder sometimes if there is a god, and if god happens to know how I'm feeling- because if there is, he/she just sent me the exact weather I needed to help me cope this past week.

Tonight it's stopped raining, and a lot has happened, so I'm simply reading and going to sleep.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

I taught a piano lesson today, babysat three sisters (ages three, eight, and twelve) until around midnight. It made me a little frustrated and tired, because if there are easygoing children in the world, I've never met them, but it also made me think of how much I want to be a mother someday. There was yet another huge thunder and lightning storm tonight, and Kailea (the youngest) came snuggling against me and looked up at me and laughed, and told me I was "funny and pretty." She's beautiful, one of my very favorite people. I don't think I would be an exceptionally good mother, but I would probably be an interesting one, at least. I used to swear up and down I'd never have a child because I didn't trust myself to raise up another human being, but.... they're just so wonderful and every line of work I've ever wanted to go into involves children. Lately it's the mothers I'm more interested in, though. I watch them with their babies, their teenagers, their grandchildren, and I look at myself, and I wonder how do they DO it?


As tired as I am lately, I have difficulty sleeping at night. Lights are off, my body's comfortable and warm in bed... there's nothing to distract my brain. It just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and

There have been a lot of little losses today. Things too small to mention to anyone, but they hurt. After a major loss I always feel like the small things shouldn't matter at all in comparison, but it tends to have just the opposite effect for me. It makes them matter more. Lately I am losing a lot of things that have mattered to me. I know that that's normal, especially at this stage in most people's life where you're becoming A Grownup and having to make decisions and choices that inevitably change a lot of things... I alternate between wanting to charge forward and seize the world (about, say, 18% of the time) and feeling overwhelmed and alone and sad and missing. And there are other times where I feel so disconnected from both the immediate past and the impending future that I just float. I suppose there are worse things than drifting. I just need to train myself to stop staring at old pictures and trying to memorize every conversation out of fear that it will be the last one.

 I'm supposed to be learning to let go gracefully, but I never realized how much of my life that would require changing. For now, I'm learning to fail gracefully instead.

Friday, July 19, 2013

dragonfly eyes watch me
in my bed, a constellation quilt
spread over my lap.
the warm ripples of thunder
bring to my mind a memory of
arms around me, the
vibrations of a low, soft clearing
of the throat against my cheek.
I listen to the steady strokes of
raindrops against my window,
and I think of the one who has stayed
to listen to the storm near the place that I am.
my closed eyes see such love,
electric nameless colors deepening
and taking root behind my eyelid doors.
I have chosen not to break
and instead found a lover written
across the pages of my notebook.
on my lips, caramel and vanilla and salt and rain,
under my fingers, soft desert dust,
in my ears, a little-boy smile.
I fall, but not asleep.

a thunderclap applauded me tonight

Today I went to orientation at the college, which I'll admit I hadn't looked forward to. It was approximately twice as terrible as I expected it to be, but oh well. I'm really going because I couldn't come up with a convincing enough argument not to, but I do at least think the classes I'm taking (Women in World Religions, Creative Writing, Introduction to Alternative Medicine) look interesting.

On a whim, I added in a twice a week yoga class. People think I kid when I say walking up the stairs is as much exercise as I get in a day, and I'm not. I want to kick this habit of not wanting to do anything, not wanting to get out of bed. I need to be healthier. This will probably involve not eating waffles with whipped cream for dinner twice a week, but I try not to think about that.

Tonight I feel oddly strong, a feeling I haven't had in... I don't know. A long time. This morning was sad, and I am still sad, but I also feel a little hopeful, and for the first time I feel bigger than this stupid fucked up hazy cloud of depression I'm sick of sitting around in. I'm going to go make myself a cup of sleepytime tea and read a little poetry, and then go to sleep early.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Today I accomplished none of my goals. But I made Mexican hot chocolate from scratch, and I helped someone else stop crying, and I walked to the mailbox barefoot in the warm, grey evening, so maybe that's enough?

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

1 am, because 2 am is a cliche

It's raining more today. I only napped long enough to actually recharge, without making myself feel fuzzy. I went to my grandmother's house, which for a long time was my favorite place in the world. Now it's my little sister's place, and she hugged me hard for no apparent reason, and it turned out to be exactly what I needed.

Mercy and I taunted our cats together, and laughed when one got so confused he fell off the bed. We ate Belgian waffles for dinner and I realized that as much as she makes me angry, she really is my friend. I wonder when exactly that happened.

I think more and more that people force themselves to be sad. Sadder than is necessary. Sometimes I feel like I deserve to be unhappy, like it would be wrong of me to not feel the weight of the entire world on me at least a little bit every day. I know that I'm a privileged person and maybe that bothers me, like I believe I owe the rest of the world a certain amount of pain on its behalf. I understand empathy is important, but now I wonder if maybe there are better ways for me to live... responsibly, I guess. Tonight (this morning?) at least, I want to focus on sharing my joy instead. And there was a lot more of it today than I thought was possible.

This week's only goals: Eat better, breathe better.

Maybe I'm writing too much, but after such a long time starving myself of words, it feels good.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

day one

This morning I woke up and went into the bathroom, and felt like lying down on the tile floor and sleeping straight through today. I want to skip past this first day.

Instead I took a long, cold shower, brushed my teeth slowly, sat down and practiced breathing exercises while my hair dried. it's okay to be sad, you know, he told me, and I cried while I put lotion on. My skin dries out with sadness, for some reason.

Normally this is where I'd go back to bed and stay there for hours or maybe a couple days. A couple months. Instead I drank a glass of water.

the last song that I write/ while still in love with you

Today I listened to the song "Blue Skies" by Noah & the Whale and I decided to be happy.

It's the first real monsoon of the summer tonight. I can hear the wind singing along my window. Tomorrow I am going to write a letter, and finish "The Miracle of Mindfulness," and make waffles, and probably cry some more, and I'm going to be alright.